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Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive People-Pleasing & Create (Thinkific)

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Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive
People-Pleasing & Create Authentic
Connections
THAIS GIBSON
2
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 1: Setting Boundaries to End Compulsive People-Pleasing & Create
Authentic Connections
Purpose:
To get insight into which areas of your life you are lacking in boundaries or
potentially violating your own boundaries on autopilot. Defining and setting
boundaries ahead of time is one of the most important things to do to help you end
people pleasing, honor your true self and create deeper connections with people.
Discovery:
Check in with each of the seven areas of life. Which boundaries in each
area do you struggle with? Write out the boundary that is absent or being violated in
Chart 1 below. Next, write a preferred boundary you would like to set in Chart 2 and
use the lined space below to write out strategies to action each boundary. Please
include whether the boundary violation is “self,” “other,” or both.
For Chart 1 on the next page
, the “Boundaries Chart”, ask yourself: where are you
lacking boundaries? What are they? Write them in the chart.
Also, be sure to write
out if they are “self” violations or “other” violations, as well as if they were action
violations or non-action violations.
3
© The Personal Development School 2020
Chart 1: Boundaries Chart
Boundaries
Career
Financial
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
Relationship
Thought
Boundaries
Emotional
Boundaries
Physical
Boundaries
4
© The Personal Development School 2020
Boundaries
Career
Financial
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
Relationship
Material
Boundaries
Time
Boundaries
Sexual
Boundaries
5
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 1: Chart 2:
Boundaries
Career
Financial
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
Relationship
Thought
Boundaries
Emotional
Boundaries
Physical
Boundaries
6
© The Personal Development School 2020
Boundaries
Career
Financial
Mental
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
Relationship
Material
Boundaries
Time
Boundaries
Sexual
Boundaries
7
© The Personal Development School 2020
Write out the boundary you would like to set in each area instead. Use the Exposure-
Response technique: small, incremental shifts over time!
You can also use the lines below to continue breaking down your boundaries into
small chunks
. Write strategies to action the new boundaries:
Integration:
Using the new preferred boundaries and the strategies you have
created, start slowly putting them into action and notice the change in how you feel
when you start honouring your boundaries. Often, people don’t know they’ve
overstepped a boundary until you vocalize it. When you get in the habit of doing
this you will see that people are generally receptive when you set a boundary.
8
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 2.0: Reasons You Fear Setting Boundaries
Purpose:
To bring self-awareness to the subconscious fears associated with setting
boundaries so you can consciously communicate about them.
Discovery:
Refer to the Major Emotions List in the Additional Materials, Lists and
References section at the end of this workbook. Fill in the blanks to begin identifying
which boundaries you fear setting. In the second sentence, reference the Core
Beliefs Chart (also in the Additional Materials section) to understand which core
beliefs you associate setting a boundary with. You can repeat this for your top five
boundaries in any area of life.
Boundary #1:
1. I feel
when
2. I am afraid of being/afraid people will think of me as
9
© The Personal Development School 2020
Boundary #2:
1. I feel
when
2. I am afraid of being/afraid people will think of me as
Boundary #3:
1. I feel
when
2. I am afraid of being/afraid people will think of me as
10
© The Personal Development School 2020
Boundary #4:
1. I feel
when
2. I am afraid of being/afraid people will think of me as
Boundary #5:
1. I feel
when
2. I am afraid of being/afraid people will think of me as
Integration:
Once you make your subconscious fears conscious regarding boundary
setting, you can begin your reprogramming activities!
11
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 2.1 – Fear and Belief Patterns Associated with Setting Boundaries
Purpose:
The purpose of this exercise is to identify the core fears and belief patterns
you have that make you afraid to set boundaries. In the space below, circle the fears
that show up for you in your relationship to boundaries. Next to each belief, rate from
1-10 how strongly this belief impacts you.
Discovery:
Circle and rate the beliefs associated with setting boundaries below.
1) I will be abandoned
2) I will be all alone
3) My relationships will dissipate
4) I am not good enough to set boundaries
5) I am undeserving of having boundaries
6) I am unworthy of boundaries
7) I am unsafe
8) I am a burden to others if I have boundaries, needs or desires
9) I am bad or selfish
10) Something is wrong with me if I have boundaries
11) Having boundaries will create conflict
12) I will be punished or attacked
13) I will be disliked, excluded or exiled if I set boundaries
12
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 2.2: Reprogramming Your Fears of Setting Boundaries
Purpose:
The purpose of this exercise is to reprogram your fears around setting
boundaries. This will allow you to truly see the importance of boundaries and create
the freedom to be able to action your boundaries.
Discovery:
For each of the columns below, write out the fear-based belief you want
to break through that is connected to boundaries. In the column next to it, write the
cognitive re-frame you want to use. Use the third column to write out five pieces of
evidence to support your cognitive re-frame.
Integration:
Use this exercise daily to reprogram your fear-based beliefs around
setting boundaries.
13
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 3: Boundary Identification Process Steps:
Purpose:
This is a step by step process to identify your boundaries. You can use this
in real time if you feel as though a boundary is being violated. You can also use this
to reflect back on previous boundary violations and convert the way you felt into
words so that you can begin communicating!
Discovery:
1) Identify Feeling:
I felt/feel
today when
took place.
2) Identify Why This Hurts:
This feeling is communicating to me that
(This is the feeling that is communicating to you that a boundary has been crossed).
14
© The Personal Development School 2020
3) Identify What You Needed Instead:
I needed
to happen instead.
{OR}: To feel relief, I needed
to take place.
15
© The Personal Development School 2020
4) Express it or Negotiate it.
Write the way you would want to express or negotiate this boundary. Feel free to
reference the steps below for further guidance.
Integration:
Use this process when you are clear a boundary was violated, or you can
use it to reflect on your day and check in to see if a boundary was violated. Then go
through steps 1-4 to identify your emotions, understand the accompanying feelings
that signal a boundary would have been appropriate. Next, you’ll Identify what you
needed to happen instead and how you would best express it or negotiate it.
16
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 4: Boundary Communication & Negotiation Process
Purpose:
This exercise provides you with a 4 step process to negotiate the boundary
you identified in the last exercise. This tool can be used for negotiating boundaries
in the future.
Discovery:
Using the steps below, write on the lines in your workbook (or other
paper) how you would communicate your boundaries in the situation you are
focused on from the exercise above. Tailor this to your own needs and situation.
Don’t be afraid to come back and tweak your approach if/when needed.
1) Validate other person’s sponsoring intentions
2) SAY YOUR BOUNDARY.
3) EXPLAIN WHY.
4) THANK YOU, IF YOU CAN PLEASE RESPECT THAT I WOULD GREATLY
APPRECIATE IT.
Integration:
This process can be used when you need to negotiate a boundary with
someone. After practicing this tool for a while, you will feel empowered to speak up
in real-time scenarios.
17
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 5: Self-Discovery & Exploration of Boundaries: Bonus Awareness Exercise
Purpose:
This exercise helps us to further examine which situations trigger repetitive
negative emotions for us. Then we will uncover what our needs are, how to best
meet them and further question our auto-pilot patterns or habits.
Discovery:
1. Refer to the Major Emotions List in the Additional Materials
, Lists and References
section at the end of this workbook. Write down the patterns of negative emotions
you feel most often. What situations spur these emotions for you?
(Ex. I often feel stressed when I’m rushing…. I often feel angry when I am interrupted
etc.)
I often feel
when I’m
2. What do you need in order to feel better in this situation?
Refer to your List of
Common Needs to Use When Setting Boundaries at the end of this workbook. You
can choose multiple needs.
I need
18
© The Personal Development School 2020
3. What is your strategy to get this need met?
(Ex. I could ask for help, speak up etc.)
I could get this need met by
4. What commitments can I make to myself in order to continue meeting these
needs regularly?
5. What patterns or habits do I notice
that cause me to abandon my feelings and
needs on autopilot when I do so? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t? Where
does this come from?
Integration:
Use this tool to help eliminate repeat situations that cause you negative
feelings and emotions. This will give you insight on how to meet your needs better
and uncover the fears that are preventing you from not setting boundaries in the
first place.
19
© The Personal Development School 2020
Exercise 6: Exposure-Response Reprogramming for Boundaries
Purpose:
This exposure/response exercise incrementally exposes you to new
experiences, new forms of communication and intentionally creates new ways of
perceiving the situation to create a new emotional output.
Discovery:
Step One:
Break your boundary down into incremental chunks.
Chunk 1:
Chunk 2:
Chunk 3:
20
© The Personal Development School 2020
Step Two:
For each chunk, question the story you’re carrying about yourself
regarding the boundary. Create a new perception that elicits a new emotional
response (Ex. “I will be alone à a boundary is a joining, not a separation”)
Chunk 1’s Perceptual Reframe:
Chunk 2’s Perceptual Reframe:
Chunk 3’s Perceptual Reframe:
Feel free to use the List of Core Beliefs at the end of the workbook as a reference!
Also, feel free to use the lined space below to break your boundary-setting goals
down into as many chunks as you see fit, along with as many perceptual reframes
you think will assist you!
Integration:
Use this process if someone has violated a boundary but you are afraid
of communicating it and want to slowly expose yourself to boundary setting in small
steps. Use the perceptual reframe piece to make new positive associations to setting
boundaries.
21
© The Personal Development School 2020
Additional Materials, Lists and References
Major Emotions and Their Opposites
1
Abandoned
– Adopted, Cherished, Defended
Afraid
– Brave, Calm, Composed, Fearless
Alone
– Together
Annoyed
– Gratified, Pleased
Anxious
– Brave, Calm, Collected
Ashamed
– Calm, Confident, Happy, Joyful
Betrayed
– Assisted, Helped, Loyal, Faithful
Blamed
– Approval, Praise
Bored
– Energized, Refreshed
Burdened
– Unloaded
Cheated
– Faithful, Fair
Concerned
– Calm, Collected, Composed
Confused
– Clear, Composed, Organized
Crazy
– Balanced, Calm, Collected, Sane
Heaviness
– Thinness, Light
Despair
– Hope, Joy
Devastated
– Create, Construct, Guarded, Protected
Disappointed
– Calm, Cheerful, Comforted,
Encouraged
Disgusted
– Attracted, Delighted, Pleased
Doubt
– Belief, Calm, Clarity, Certainty, Confidence
Helpless
– Able, Capable, Fit, Powerful
Embarrassed
– Composed
Empty
– full
Exhausted
– Able, Active, Energized, Strong
Guilty
– Innocent, Right, Moral, Good
Impatient
– Easygoing, Controlled, Patient, Tolerant
Inadequate
– Able, Abundant, Capable, Enough
Insecure
– At Ease, Calm, Collected, Composed
Horrified
– Brave, Calm, Fearless
Hurt
– Happy, Pleased
Lazy
– Active, Careful, Attentive, Energetic
Lethargic
– Alert, Active, Animated, Lively
Lonely
– Populated, Close, Loved, Sociable
Uncertain
– Sure, Confident, Predictable
Lost
– Seen, Alive, Attentive, Aware
Offended
– Flattered, Praised, Complimented
Outraged
– Calm, Relaxed, Happy
Pressured
– Free, Left Alone, At Ease
Punished
– Cleared, Released, Exonerated
Trapped
– Free
Rage
– Calm, Love, Peace, Indifference
Rebellious
– Happy, Obedient, Compliant
Regret
– Comfort, Content, Delight, Joy
Rejected
– Cherished
Resentment
– Delight, Happy, Connected, Free
Sadness
– Cheer, Happiness, Joy
Scared -
Bold, Brave, Cool, Courageous
Self
-
Conscious
– Calm, Comfortable, Confident,
Easy
Shame
– Pride, Approval, Esteem, Honor,
Respect
Silly
– Intelligent, Mature
Suffering
– Ease, Calm, Relief, Joy
Worried
– Calm, Comforted, Happy, Relaxed
Wary
– Certain, Careless
22
© The Personal Development School 2020
List of Negative CORE Beliefs
I am not enough
I am alone/abandoned
I am unloved
I am bad
I am weak
I am unsafe
I am stupid
I am unworthy
I am
trapped/helpless/powerless
I am unseen/unheard
I don’t
matter/unimportant
Something is wrong with
me
I do not belong/disliked
I am disrespected
I am rejected
23
© The Personal Development School 2020
Example List of Common Needs to Use When Setting Boundaries
Connection Needs
Acceptance
Affection
Appreciation
Belonging
Cooperation
Communication
Closeness
Community
Companionship
Compassion
Consideration
Consistency
Empathy
Inclusion
Intimacy
Love
Mutuality
Nurturing
Respect/self-
respect
Autonomy Needs
Choice
Freedom
Independence
Space/Boundaries
Spontaneity
Exploration
Certainty Needs
Safety
Comfort
Security
Order
Stability
Support
To know and be known
To see and be seen
To be understood
Trust
Warmth
Physical Needs
Food
Movement/exercise
Rest/sleep
Sexual expression
Safety
Touch
Peaceful Needs
Beauty
Ease
Equality
Harmony
Inspiration
Growth Needs
Self-Development
Self-Realization
Success
Progress
Achievement
Opportunity
Expansiveness
Learning
Awareness
Challenge
Stimulation
Play Needs
Joy
Humor
Contribution Needs
To give
To share
To create
To teach
To nurture
To assist
To be present
MEANING
Clarity
Competence
Consciousness
Discovery
Effectiveness
Hope
Mourning
Participation
Purpose
Attention
Validation
Self-
expression
To matter
Authenticity
Integrity
Presence
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