Fill - Healthy and Secure Relationships with the Emotionally Unavailable (Thinkific)

Healthy and Secure Relationships with the

Emotionally Unavailable Person

THAIS GIBSON

2

Exercise 1: BTEA Equation

Purpose

: To make conscious what our own personal (B)eliefs (T)houghts (E)motions

(A)ctions are when triggered. By uncovering these we can than work to reprogram

and repattern any limiting beliefs

Discovery:

In the chart on the following page, write out your BTEA patterns that you tend to

follow when triggered.

1. Think of an event or experience that triggers a very strong emotional reaction in

you (e.g. my partner is spending too much time at work)

2. Choose the I AM Belief that resonates the most with the situation (Refer to List of

Negative CORE Beliefs at the back of your workbook)

3. Write out all the thoughts you associate with that belief. If the Core belief is “I am

alone”, some thoughts might be “Nobody cares about me”, “I’ll never be happy” etc.

4. What are the negative emotional patterns felt (Refer to list of Major Emotions and

Their Opposites at the back of your workbook) We all have individual emotional

patterns that show up in the same way.

5. What coping mechanisms do you turn to when you’re triggered? (ex. Binge

eating, drink alcohol)

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Triggering

Event:

Beliefs:

Thoughts:

Emotions:

Actions

(behaviors to

cope):

4

Exercise 2: Thought Upgrading & Emotional Processing

Purpose:

The goal of this exercise is to question the stories you tell when you are

triggered. Once you’ve followed the steps to equilibrate your stories and relieve

suffering, you will then identify your needs.

Discovery:

1. Think of what feels unresolved today regarding any person, conversation or

situation. Write you’re your stressful thoughts or beliefs (see core beliefs below if

needed). (ISOLATE THE PROBLEM)

2. What did you believe about the person, or event because of what happened?

(What meaning did you give to it)? (

thoughts)

(Ex. I will lose my job and be on the

street, my wife will leave me etc.)

3. Can you know with certainty that this is true?

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4. Can you find three pieces of proof that oppose this original interpretation? Could

there be less painful interpretations to this situation that are as true as your

assumption, if not truer?

Try to update your thinking if the core wound or thoughts

are in fact, untrue or one-sided.

5. What is your

need

in this situation to create relief?

6. What is a healthy

strategy

to get this need met?

Integration:

Use this when reflecting on something unresolved from your day or an

emotionally challenging situation. Working through this will help you find resolution

and be better prepared for similar situations in the future.

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Exercise 3: Belief Re-Programming Rituals with Autosuggestion

Purpose:

Autosuggestion reprograms the subconscious in the quickest and most

impactful way. This is done through repetition and emotion. The more emotion you

can elicit in the body through this exercise, the better the result.

Discovery:

Follow the prompts below.

Step One:

For the primary core subconscious belief that is causing

thought,

emotional and behavioral limitations,

it is time to recondition your RAS’s focus and

use the principle of subconscious reprogramming

(repetition + emotion)

to

equilibrate this painful belief.

Exercise: Find 10-15 pieces of evidence for where/why/how you are doing enough.

Try

to find 1-3 examples and check in with each of the 7 areas of life. (Career, Financial,

Family, Spiritual, Mental/Emotional, Physical, Social)

Important: Try to

feel the emotion in your body

(anchoring into nervous system)

when thinking of your opposing proof.

You can use the chart on page 6 or fill in the blanks below for regular

reprogramming work. For deeper programs, 21 days is recommended. For programs

that are not ingrained as deeply, 10 days is recommended for transformation.

The Seven Areas of Life

Relationships

Mental

Emotional

Physical

Spiritual

Financial

Career

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Prompter Questions: (check in 7 areas of life) (Ex. For “I am not good enough/doing

enough”). You can tweak these prompts for yourself based on the belief you’re trying

to reprogram.

I showed up well today when:

I was effective today when:

I did enough today because:

I shouldn’t feel guilty because:

I am enough because:

Examples of how I did more than enough for others:

Examples of how I committed to myself:

I excelled today at:

You can use this chart on the next page to cognitively reframe limiting beliefs and

find opposing proof to equilibrate this belief.

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Identifying Internal and External Limiting Beliefs:

INTERPRETATION

OPPOSITE

SUPPORTING PROOF

SELF-

INTERPRETATION

(Ex: I am weak, I am

trapped, I am not good

enough, I am alone

etc.)

INTERPRETATION OF

ENVIRONMENT

AND/OR

CIRCUMSTANCES

(Ex: She betrayed me,

it was unfair, I was left

behind etc.)

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Exercise 4: Action Re-Programming Exercise

Purpose:

To reprogram autopilot behaviors through consciously choosing positive

actions and strategies to get that same need met.

Discovery:

For the chart on the following page, write the autopilot coping mechanisms you use

when your emotional state is not optimized. Write what subconscious needs are

being met through these actions, then update them in the next column. Stick to this

repeated update for 21 days to re-program the unconscious coping mechanisms

that are no longer serving you!

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Autopilot Coping Mechanism/Behavior

(Ex. Binge-watching Netflix)

Updated Action or Strategy to Meet the

Same Needs

(Ex. Meditating for Comfort and Peace)

Integration:

When you are in a negative emotional state and catch yourself

engaging in autopilot behaviors, you can go to your chart and choose the updated

strategy that will meet your needs in a positive way. This will become your default

strategy after 21 days if you are consisten!

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Exercise 5: Dismissive Avoidant Best Practices & Interactions

Best Practice #1: Emotional Awareness in the 7 Areas of Life

Purpose:

By investigating your feelings in the 7 areas of life we can get a picture of

what areas we feel good about and what areas we feel disempowered and need the

most attention. The more balanced you are in your emotions in the 7 areas of life the

more fulfilled you will feel overall

Discovery:

Refer to the Seven (7) Areas of Life. Write a one sentence summary about

how you would describe each area of your life. Follow this up with writing

three

emotions

you would use to describe how you tend to feel in each of these areas.

Refer to the emotions list.

Career

Financial

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Relationship

1.

What would you change/upgrade in each of these areas? What would you feel by

upgrading these areas? Write the emotional associations you’re making about these

areas of life.

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Exercise 6: Dismissive Avoidant Best Practices #2

Best Practice #2: Feeling Awareness Work

Purpose:

To become better acquainted and more familiar with your emotions. By

learning to feel your emotions, and not repress them, we have the best opportunity

to create positive change.

Discovery:

1. Refer to Feelings List. Each evening, break your day into chunks and reflect on

what emotions you felt throughout the day. Feel free to use a journal for daily

repetition of this exercise.

(1): 8AM – 12PM

(2): 12PM – 4PM

(3): 4PM – 8PM

2. Ask yourself: What did I feel during these times of the day?

Take your time with

this exercise and reflect on what was going on during this time.

Write down specific

events you experienced and what feelings you experienced with these events.

3.

Where did you feel these emotions in your body?

(Ex. I felt anger in my stomach

and arms, I felt anxiety in my stomach and chest etc.) Feelings reflect the mind

in

the body.

Sourcing emotion in the body helps you to stay connected to these

feelings instead of repressing them.

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Exercise 7: Dismissive Avoidant Best Practices #3

Purpose:

To better understand what you need in situations when you are overcome

by negative emotions.

Discovery:

1. Refer to the Ritual Re-Programming Exercise.

Apply the core belief “I am safe.” This

might feel unnecessary, but it has a major impact on your nervous system.

2. When you feel nervous, unsafe, anxious, worried, numb or withdrawn, ask yourself,

“How would I treat a wounded child right now?”

Treat yourself accordingly.

It is very important that the DA gets nurturing needs met from the unmet needs in

childhood that they couldn’t experience. You must meet these yourself first.

Integration:

When you feel nervous, unsafe, anxious, worried, numb or withdrawn,

use these steps to lessen the severity of these feelings.

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Exercise 8: Dismissive Avoidant Best Practices #3 - Exposure-Response Work on

Vulnerability

Purpose:

Vulnerability can be scary but being vulnerable is one of the essential ways

to deeply connect with others on an emotional level (and to yourself!). This exercise

is designed to slowly introduce you to being vulnerable. You’ll create strategies and

cognitive reframes to start seeing the benefits of opening up.

Discovery:

1. Choose three places you want to work on vulnerability. Refer to the 7 Areas of Life

you are having trouble. (Ex. I want to be more vulnerable communicating my

feelings in relationships).

2. Break this fear down into tiny steps and attach a strategy to it.

(Ex. A) I will express how my partner feels when he/she criticizes me.

B) I will ask them to stop

C) I will later express a fear I have in the relationship. D) I will ask for my need to be

met…etc.)

3. Time block this into your weekly schedule in order to make it real. Remember to

place positive emotional associations to this task. When will you commit to

beginning to work on vulnerability? What positive emotional association will you

work to feel each time you open yourself up?

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Exercise 9: Tertiary Needs Exercise

Purpose:

This exercise is designed to get you in the habit of checking in with

yourself. This way you will have strategies on hand to meet your needs more

effectively.

Discovery:

1. Make note of your top 15 Needs on the following page.

2.Rate yourself: how effective have you been at getting these met?

3.Write a strategy for each.

4. Track your needs in the evening.

5.Ask yourself throughout the day: “What do I feel? What do I need?”

Integration:

Check in with yourself through the day to build the habit of meeting

your needs in real-time.

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Connection Needs

Certainty Needs

Growth Needs

Meaning

Acceptance

Affection

Appreciation

Belonging

Cooperation

Communication

Closeness

Community

Companionship

Compassion

Consideration

Consistency

Empathy

Inclusion

Intimacy

Love

Mutuality

Nurturing

Respect/Self-

Respect

Autonomy Needs

Choice

Freedom

Independence

Space/Boundaries

Spontaneity

Exploration

Safety

Comfort

Security

Order

Stability

Support

To Know and Be

Known

To See and Be Seen

To Be Understood

Trust

Warmth

Physical Needs

Food

Movement/Exercise

Rest/Sleep

Sexual Expression

Safety

Touch

Peaceful Needs

Beauty

Ease

Equality

Harmony

Inspiration

Self-Development

Self-Realization

Success

Progress

Achievement

Opportunity

Expansiveness

Learning

Awareness

Challenge

Stimulation

Honesty Needs

Authenticity

Integrity

Presence

Play Needs

Joy

Humor

Contribution Needs

To Give

To Share

To Create

To Teach

To Nurture

To Assist

To be Present

Clarity

Competition

Consciousness

Discovery

Effectiveness

Hope

Mourning

Participation

Purpose

Attention

Validation

Self-expression

To Matter

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Exercise 9: Tertiary Needs Exercise Part 2

For the chart below, keep in mind the importance of going

directly to the source of

the need

with a conscious strategy.

Purpose:

By sourcing your top tertiary needs, and having conscious strategies to get

them met, you will become more fulfilled in the areas that mean the most to you.

Discovery: Use the chart on the following page.

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Top 15 Tertiary Needs with Rating of

How Fulfilled they feel /10

1-2 Strategies to Get Them Met

(by self or others to increase fulfillment

score /10)

Example: Self Development

-Meditate, take online course, journal

1. /10

2. /10

3. /10

4. /10

6. /10

7. /10

8. /10

9. /10

10. /10

11. /10

12. /10

13. /10

14. /10

15. /10

16. /10

Integration:

Refer to your list of new strategies that you came up with to

intentionally fill the needs that keep us in our optimal state.

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Exercise 10: Conflict Communication: Feelings & Needs

Purpose:

We are less likely to be heard if we sound accusatory, or we trigger

someone else’s core wounds. This exercise sets you up with an effective way to

approach someone and have your perspective understood.

Discovery:

Start by validating the other person’s emotions and avoiding the other’s

core wounds in advance.

Example:

I really appreciate you and am not criticizing you in any way but want to

share something I felt so I don’t internalize it….

A. FEELINGS:

When this situation happened, I interpreted it from my perception as

_______________________________ (insert

emotion, wound or expression of your

experience à Ex. I interpreted it as being critical

).

B. NEEDS:

I needed this person to _____________________________________________________________.

(BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE). If the need is validation: what kind of validation? If

it’s for support, What

TYPE

of support? (Ex. A hug, for someone to compliment your

hard work etc.)

Integration:

Use this tool when you want to approach someone about meeting your

needs but may have been misunderstood or unsuccessful in past attempts.

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Exercise 11: Expression

Step One:

Notice their emotion and/or concern validate it

first

(establishes

connection)

Ex. I can see that you feel unnoticed and invalidated.

Step Two:

Look for their sponsoring intention or need. Confirm your understanding.

Ex. Would you feel better if I gave you more encouragement and recognition?

Step Three:

Request to be heard and understood also.

Ex. Great. Are you open to hearing my perspective for a moment?

Step Four:

Share your feelings (the emotion specifically) and needs (as clearly as

possible).

Ex. I felt disregarded when you didn’t use any of the points I made for the

presentation. I really need you to consider including my input more in the future.

Ex. I felt undervalued when I did that extra work and it went unrecognized. I

appreciate credit and positive re-enforcement, as it inspires me to keep growing and

putting in extra effort.

Step Five:

Ask if they can see your perspective. (Requesting validation of

understanding)

Ex: “Can you see how I could interpret your actions as _____________________________?”

Step Six:

Initiate collective strategizing using language such as “together,” “collective

solution,” “open to compromise.”

Ex. “I think we understand each other’s perspectives, now let’s look at coming up

with a collective decision that encompasses both of our needs.”

Integration:

Use this tool to help expand your partner’s understanding of your needs

and feelings leading to a collective solution.

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Additional Materials, Lists and References

List of Negative CORE Beliefs

I am not enough

I am abandoned/alone

I am unloved

I am bad

I am weak

I am unsafe

I am stupid

I am unworthy

I am helpless

I am unseen/unheard

I don’t

matter/unimportant

Something’s wrong w/

me

I don’t belong

I am disliked

I am unsafe

I am disconnected

I am excluded

I am disrespected

I am rejected

I am trapped/stuck

I am powerless/no control

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Major Emotions and Their Opposites

Abandoned

– Adopted, Cherished, Defended

Afraid

– Brave, Calm, Composed, Fearless

Alone

– Together

Annoyed

– Gratified, Pleased

Anxious

– Brave, Calm, Collected

Ashamed

– Calm, Confident, Happy, Joyful

Betrayed

– Assisted, Helped, Loyal, Faithful

Blamed

– Approval, Praise

Bored

– Energized, Refreshed

Burdened

– Unloaded

Cheated

– Faithful, Fair

Concerned

– Calm, Collected, Composed

Confused

– Clear, Composed, Organized

Crazy

– Balanced, Calm, Collected, Sane

Heaviness

– Thinness, Light

Despair

– Hope, Joy

Devastated

– Create, Construct, Guarded, Protected

Disappointed

– Calm, Cheerful, Comforted,

Encouraged

Disgusted

– Attracted, Delighted, Pleased

Doubt

– Belief, Calm, Clarity, Certainty, Confidence

Helpless

– Able, Capable, Fit, Powerful

Embarrassed

– Composed

Empty

– full

Exhausted

– Able, Active, Energized, Strong

Guilty

– Innocent, Right, Moral, Good

Impatient

– Easygoing, Controlled, Patient, Tolerant

Inadequate

– Able, Abundant, Capable, Enough

Insecure

– At Ease, Calm, Collected, Composed

Horrified

– Brave, Calm, Fearless

Hurt

– Happy, Pleased

Lazy

– Active, Careful, Attentive, Energetic

Lethargic

– Alert, Active, Animated, Lively

Lonely

– Populated, Close, Loved, Sociable

Uncertain

– Sure, Confident, Predictable

Lost

– Seen, Alive, Attentive, Aware

Offended

– Flattered, Praised, Complimented

Outraged

– Calm, Relaxed, Happy

Pressured

– Free, Left Alone, At Ease

Punished

– Cleared, Released, Exonerated

Trapped

– Free

Rage

– Calm, Love, Peace, Indifference

Rebellious

– Happy, Obedient, Compliant

Regret

– Comfort, Content, Delight, Joy

Rejected

– Cherished

Resentment

– Delight, Happy, Connected, Free

Sadness

– Cheer, Happiness, Joy

Scared -

Bold, Brave, Cool, Courageous

Self

-

Conscious

– Calm, Comfortable, Confident,

Easy

Shame

– Pride, Approval, Esteem, Honor,

Respect

Silly

– Intelligent, Mature

Suffering

– Ease, Calm, Relief, Joy

Worried

– Calm, Comforted, Happy, Relaxed

Wary

– Certain, Careless

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DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT NEEDS in the 7 Areas of Life for Health & Balance

Needs

Career

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Financial

Relational

Lower

emotional

demand

Passion

Self-

Reflection,

spending

time alone

Learn to feel

feelings

without fear

Connection

to others

Exercise or

Energy

Exertion

Security,

safety

Consistency,

safety

Analytical

stimulation

Opportunity

for Growth

Investigating

emotions

with practical

tools

Logically

understanding

emotions as

feedback

Mindfulness

of emotions

Careful

eating

habits

Often very

frugal – try

to live a

little bit

sometimes

Validation,

reinforcement

Constant

learning

Autonomy

Re-

Programming

Expressing

feelings, self-

understanding

Non-

attachment,

meditation

Manage

Creature

Comforts

Learn to

both give

and

receive

Communication

Validation

and

feedback

Freedom

and

Flexibility

Learning and

Stimulation

Approach-

oriented

behaviors

Journaling

(even if

disliked)

Relationship

with Body

to Kindness

Create a

long-term

plan

To be

understood,

time alone also

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