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Advanced Fearful Avoidant

Course

THAIS GIBSON

Exercise 1: Advanced Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Course: The 6 Stages of

Relationship

Purpose:

To understand what stage of the relationship you are in, what

patterns/areas of communication you might be stuck on and can improve and then

create strategies for progression through the stages or areas you may be stuck.

Discovery:

Familiarize yourself with the questions below which explore what stage of

your relationship you are currently in or where you may have found yourself stuck in

past relationships and why. You will refer back to these questions and fill them in

after you have completed the modules and learned the tools from this course.

1) Dating phase

2) Honeymoon

3) Power struggle stage

4) Stability Stage

5) Commitment Stage

6) Bliss stage

1) Listen to the course. As you learn each stage’s characteristics, write down which

stage you are currently in, or find yourself consistently getting stuck at in the past.

Write the stage below.

2) Ask yourself what is required to progress to the next stage. Get very specific. How

are you doing this/not doing this? What patterns are you caught in? What

strategies/solutions could you use to move through this? You can come back and

add to your answer after completing the course and learning more too!

3) Work on communicating with your partner about this and discussing strategies

and expectations collectively. How will I communicate better? Write your ideas

below.

4) What do I need to become in order to progress? How can I grow? What do I need

to request? USE THE TOOLS THROUGHOUT THIS COURSE! Journal the notes and

ideas you have below after listening through the first section.

Integration:

With the information and tools you will be learning throughout this

course, refer back to these questions and answer them to create strategies for

identifying patterns, communicating better and identifying which tools will help you

move into the next stage of the relationship.

Exercise 2: Dating Phase: Journaling Exercise & Brainstorm

Purpose:

To make the unconscious, conscious so we can get an honest account of

where we are at, what we are looking for and what areas we need to work on to have

more clarity to show up best for ourselves in this stage

Discovery:

Answer the questions below to draw further clarity and personal

empowerment in.

1) CLARITY: What do I want in a relationship? What qualities and traits are

important to me? Does this person fit those? How does this person make me

feel when I’m around them? (Be careful of extreme expectations, as these can

block you too)

2) 2) Personal Empowerment: What do I need to become to be a match to the

qualities that I desire? What patterns of my own do I need to change? Where

am I not empowered in an area of my life that prevents me from progressing?

What fears, wounds or beliefs do I need to overcome for this stage to be

enjoyable?

3) Self-Awareness in Dating: What judgments do I make about this person?

What fears come up for me during this phase? What do I ruminate about?

(What does this say about core wounds and/or unmet needs?)

4) Boundaries: Do I abandon myself? Do I stop keeping up with healthy habits or

discard my plans and needs to be available for this person? Do I lose myself in

this phase early on? What triggers this in me?

Integration:

Use your answers as feedback as to which areas need attention for you to

show up well for yourself. We don’t want to just be dating on auto-pilot so it’s best to

understand your fears, needs, boundaries, and any limiting stories that show up for us

in this stage.

Exercise 3: EXPECTATION INVENTORY CHART:

Purpose:

Our expectations can be a major source of conflict if not consciously

discussed or if we are not aware of them.

Discovery:

Fill out the chart below with as much information as you can think of. Use

the course to better understand healthy expectations and then work to

communicate any challenges between yourself and a loved one. Use this as a

reference point for the future if you are currently single by reflecting upon past

relationships.

My Expectations

What I Understand About

Their Expectations

Healthy Expectations

Time from Attraction to

Feelings

Contact

Time Spent Together

Commitment

Expectations of Me

General Expectations

Exercise 4: Honeymoon Phase & Power Struggle: Protest Behaviors & Patterns

Purpose:

It is necessary in this phase to maintain balance in our lives in order to best

prepare for the Power Struggle Stage up next in the relationship life-cycle.

Discovery:

Take inventory of these top 7 protest behaviors. Get in touch with the

impact of these behaviors on your relationship by rating them 1-10. Next, try to

connect with what’s going on in your internal reality (thoughts, feelings and

associations) that lead to this behavior. Connect to yourself and write what comes up

for you in the third column.

7 Core Protest Behaviors

Rating /10

Reason I Do This

Becoming Harsh with

Words

Spiteful Behaviors

Flip-flopping (Hot to Cold)

Avoiding Expressing How

You Truly Feel & What

You Need (Avoiding

Healthy Communication)

Acting with Contempt

Emotional Volatility

Ignoring Own Boundaries

Exercise 5: Power Struggle Stage & Protest Behaviors

Purpose:

This is a challenging phase for anyone in a relationship, let alone a

recovering Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style. The only thing we

actually can

control is how we show up in a relationship and whether we invest our energy into

the relationship or not. The purpose of this exercise is to create solutions and a

commitment to transform painful patterns. Take the ideas from the course and write

out what personally resonates with you most below.

Discovery:

For the following exercise, fill out the chart below. Write out the protest behaviors

that show up most frequently for you. Next, take a solution from the course that

resonates most with you. Fill out the last column with a strategy to use this solution

in a committed way that works for you. For example (“I will work on a)

passive

aggression

by b)

expressing my needs

better instead. I will do this by c)

journaling

about my needs daily so that they are easier to recognize and communicate in real

time.

(a) Protest Behavior

(b) Solution

c) Commitment to

Transform

Integration:

This is an important exercise to use in order to practice reprogramming

behaviors via new strategies, solutions and repetitive commitment to change.

Return back to this exercise if you are stuck on a pattern and create conscious

strategies to reprogram until you see the desired changes taking place.

Exercise 6: PDS Daily Emotional Processing Tool

Purpose:

The goal of this exercise is to question the stories you tell when you are in

pain or suffering. It is then to go on to recognize and strategize to meet your needs.

Discovery:

Follow the steps below when you are feeling emotionally triggered.

1. Think of what feels unresolved today regarding any person, conversation or

situation. Write you’re your stressful thoughts or beliefs (see core beliefs below if

needed). (ISOLATE THE PROBLEM)

2. What did you believe about the person, or event because of what happened?

(What meaning did you give to it)? (

thoughts)

(Ex. I will lose my job and be on the

street, my wife will leave me etc.)

3. Can you know with certainty that this is true?

4. Can you find three pieces of proof that oppose this original interpretation? Could

there be less painful interpretations to this situation that are as true as your

assumption, if not more true?

Try to update your thinking if the core wound or

thoughts are in fact, untrue or one-sided.

5. What is your

need

in this situation to create relief?

6. What is a healthy

strategy

to get this need met?

Integration:

This is an exceptional tool to practice on a daily basis to deeply

understand your inner self and needs, to process painful stories and to return to a

fair and balanced way of thinking. It will help you to remove both pain and suffering

in a short period of time.

Exercise 7: The Stability Stage - Habits for Deeper Connection

Purpose:

The stability stage is characterized by us having learned how to navigate

the Power struggle stage and really accepting our partners. It’s important to keep

intentional strategies to create that depth of connection like communicating each

other’s love languages. Use the steps below to get clear about connection and

communication in your relationship. If you are single, you can reflect on past

relationships or focus on current friendships when answering these questions.

Discovery:

1. From Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, how would you order yours?

2. In which order do you think your loved one would order their love languages?

3. What are some strategies for you to better communicate in your partner’s

love language(s)?

4. What are some strategies for your partner to better communicate in your love

language(s)?

5. Make a list below of brainstormed activities that will help you and your partner

to connect more deeply.

Integration:

Having active time to be present in the relationship is really important

for the FA to keep the connection thriving so we want to intentionally communicate

through love languages and come up with activities to keep this connection strong.

Exercise 8: Commitment Stage

Purpose:

It’s normal for doubts and questions to come up in this stage so you want

to make sure at this point that you identify any remaining unmet needs that you

may have not spoken up about. Use this journaling exercise to get clear about what

you need might be unmet and how you can communicate about this in your

relationship.

Discovery:

Question to Self: Are there any needs in my relationship that are not being met and I

have repressed instead of communicated the importance of?

If so, what is my strategy to begin having this need met in the relationship?

Exercise 9: Deciding to Commit: 60 Questions to Ask Before Settling Down

Purpose:

This exercise has key questions to ask in order to truly get to know if this is

your life partner. This helps plan for the future and a great opportunity to fully

express your desires while understanding your partners and discussing compromise

in the areas that are not perfectly aligned.

Discovery:

Utilize these questions when in the commitment stage of a relationship

as openers for deeper conversations and more awareness.

1. What do you want to create in each of the 7 areas of life? (Career, Financial,

Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Relationships)

2. How do you want us to create this dynamic together?

3. Do you want kids? How many?

4. What kind of parent do you want to be?

5. What values do you feel are important when raising children?

6. What were the highlights of your adolescence? What were the lowlights?

7. How would you describe your relationship to your mother? To your father?

8. How do you cope with stress? What tools or behaviors show up for you when

you’re under stress?

9. What do you often turn to when you are trying to motivate yourself?

10. Where do you have a lot of self-awareness? (Ex. At work, about behavior)

11. Where do you have minimal self-awareness? (Ex. In relationships, with family)

12. What negative patterns do you most often have with your relationship to

money?

13. What are your primary triggers when you’re around family?

14. What are your primary triggers when it comes to relationships?

15. What types of conversations trigger you most?

16. What are your greatest fears in general, in relationships?

17. Where do you waste the most time in your life? Why?

18. What characteristics do you judge most in:

a) Your mother

b) Your father

c) Your siblings

d) Your partner

e) Your close friends

19. Where are you exhibiting these same traits? List 2 different

areas/circumstances in your life that you do this also.

20. What patterns of behavior have you picked up most from your Mother?

Father?

21. What are you still stuck on from the past? Look deeply – how is it serving you

to hold onto this still?

22. Do you have any challenges with my family?

23. How will we handle rough patches in our marriage?

24. How would you define a healthy marriage sexually? (Frequency, meaning you

give to sex)

25. What are you most insecure about?

26. Where are you a powerful communicator?

27. Where are you a poor communicator? Why?

28. What are your top 5 Values?

29. What do you think makes a relationship last?

30. What qualities are most important for you for a romantic relationship?

31. What do you need from me?

32. Where do you think you show up well in our relationship? Where do you think

you show up not as well as you’d like to?

33. Does anything scare you about marriage? If so, why? Where does this fear

come from?

34. Why do you want to get married?

35. Do you have any challenges with my family?

36. How much do you share with others about our relationship? How much do

you feel is appropriate for me to share?

37. What boundaries do you set with:

A) Your family

B) Your partner

C) Your co-workers

38. Are these boundaries motivated by fear or self-love? Are they respected?

39. What are you ashamed of?

40. How will we divide household duties (before and after kids)?

41. Do you know your love language(s)? If so, what are they?

42. What needs are most important to you in our relationship?

43. Do you feel validated, seen, heard, understood enough by me?

44. Do you feel that you can discuss anything with me?

45. What have you not forgiven yourself for?

46. Where does guilt show up most often in your life?

47. How will we collectively handle hard times? What do we need from one

another?

48. How important is alone time to you and can we make peace with

this/understand this?

49. What are our boundaries in relationships to others? Where do we draw the

line between friendship and a potential emotional affair?

50. What is our expectation about where we want to live/why?

51. How much time is appropriate to spend with in-laws, family?

52. How will we cope if one of us gets laid off or wants to leave our job?

53. What are your core wounds?

54. What negative patterns do you notice took place in past relationships? Why?

What measures will we collectively take to prevent this from happening

between us?

55. What is your relationship to spirituality/religion? What level of priority is this in

your life?

56. Are we fully present together or are we distracted by TV, phone etc.? When is

this appropriate/not appropriate?

57. How would we like to educate our kids? How would we like to save for our

kids?

58. How important is physical affection to you?

59. How do you define romance? What keeps romance alive for you?

60. What are the three most important things to you in a marriage?

BONUS: Tip Box Exercise: Transforming FA Behaviors and Coping Mechanisms

Focus on any of the following fearful avoidant behaviors you experience. Chose a

strategy outlined in the course modules to commit to using in order to transform

this behavior. Fill these out in the chart below

Fearful Avoidant Behavior

Strategy from Course to Commit to

Practicing

Storytelling (Giving Meaning to Change

in Patterns)

De-activating

Activating

Avoiding Vulnerability (Not

Communicating Needs)

Testing

Expression of Anger

Additional Materials, Lists and References

List of Negative CORE Beliefs

I’m not enough

I am alone/abandoned

I am unloved

I am bad

I am weak

I am unsafe

I am stupid

I am unworthy

I am

trapped/helpless/powerless

I am unseen/unheard

I don’t matter/unimportant

Something’s wrong w/ me

I don’t belong/disliked

I am disrespected

I am rejected

List of Tertiary Needs (Needs that can take place in the moment)

Connection Needs

Acceptance

Affection

Appreciation

Belonging

Cooperation

Communication

Closeness

Companionship

Compassion

Consideration

Consistency

Equality

Empathy

Inclusion

Harmony

Intimacy

Love

Mutuality

Nurturing

Respect/self-respect

Touch

Warmth

Sex

Certainty Needs

Choice

Autonomy

Independence

Space/Boundaries

Certainty Needs Cont’d.

Safety

Structure/Routine

Order

Stability

Support

Food

Movement/exercise

Rest/sleep

Trust

Peace

Uncertainty Needs

Movement

Change

Stimulation

Spontaneity

Sexual Expression

Experience

Travel

Discovery

Inspiration

Beauty

Joy

Playfulness

Humor

Flow

Growth Needs

Self-Development

Self-Realization

Progress

Opportunity

Expansiveness

Integration

Awareness

Challenge

To Understand

Contribution Needs

To give

To create (all forms)

To write

To nurture

To assist

To be present

To support

Presence

Significance

Needs

Empowerment

Competence

Belief

Meaning

Effectiveness

To feel known

To see and be

seen

To be

understood

Admiration

Participation

Infatuation

Purpose

Validation

To matter

Authenticity

Integrity

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