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How to

Overcome

Trauma Induced

Codependency

and/or People

Pleasing

Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

EMOTIONS

THOUGHTS

BELIEFS

EXTERNAL ACTIONS

When we attempt to change

at the actions level with

T.I.C.:

* Emotional Flashbacks

* Stuck in Fight/Flight

* Harsh Inner Critic

* Re-traumatization

* Discomfort in Body

* Toxic Shame

* Amygdala Hijacking

* Ruminating thoughts

* Intense Anxiety

WHERE IS

T.I.C.

SHOWING UP

IN YOUR

LIFE?

LRC

STEPS TO

OVERCOMING

T.I.C.

• Acknowledgement

• Normalize

• Make friends with your coping

skills

• Work through thought based

T.I.C.

• Work through body based T.I.C.

• Unconditional love & Healthy

LRC

FUTURE

BELIEFS

THOUGHTS

EMOTIONS

EXTERNAL

ACTIONS

PRESENT

GOALS FOR WEEK ONE:

1. IDENTIFY WHERE IN YOUR LIFE T.I.C. IS

SHOWING UP AND CHOOSE THE EASIEST

SECTION TO START WITH

2. TAKE A SNAPSHOT OF HOW YOU USED

TO VIEW THE BEHAVIORS THAT ARE

INDICATIONS OF T.I.C. – WHAT DID YOU

SAY TO YOURSELF, WHAT EMOTIONS DID

IT BRING UP IN YOU?

CREATE YOUR PREFERRED FUTURE

3. MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR COPING

SKILLS

THIS MONTH I CHOSE THIS AREA OF LIFE TO WORK

ON:

____________________________________________

HOW T.I.C. IS SHOWING UP IN THIS AREA? (ACTION

LEVEL)

____________________________________________

THIS MONTH I WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN IMPROVING IN

THIS AREA(depending on risk tolerance)

____________________________________________

HOW WILL I CELEBRATE EACH SUCCESS?

____________________________________________

BEFORE: HOW I THINK/FEEL/ WHEN T.I.C.

SHOWS UP IN MY LIFE:

AFTER: WHAT WILL I THINK/FEEL/ WHEN T.I.C.

SHOWS UP IN MY LIFE:

HOW IS THIS HELPING/HINDERING ME?

__________________________________________

HOW WILL THIS HELP ME?

__________________________________________

WHAT ARE THE COPING SKILLS THAT WE DEVELOPED THAT KEEP

US IN CODEPENDENT BEHAVIORS?

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________

LOOK FOR THEM, AND EACH TIME YOU NOTICE IT – WHAT

INNER DIALOGUE WOULD ALLOW YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS W/

THAT COPING SKILL?

____________________________________________________

______________________________________________

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE:

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

1. ROLE PLAY (BOUNDARIES)

2. 3 MIN. PUBLIC SPEAKING ABOUT WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS MONTH

3. Q & A – WITH EVERYONE ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ON THIS TOPIC

4. OVERCOME FEAR OF HAVING A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE – INSTRUCTOR WILL ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND PURPOSELY DISAGREE

5. PRACTICE SAYING NO ROLEPLAY

6. FEAR OF CONFLICT – PRACTICE HANDLING CONFLICT – LET INSTRUCTOR KNOW WHAT SITUATION YOU ARE DEALING WITH

AND ROLEPLAY HOW TO HANDLE THEM

7. HANDLING REJECTION WITHOUT BECOMING UNBALANCED.

8. CRITICISM GAME

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SELF-LOVE, SELF-IDENTITY, SELF-COMPASSION

1. BEFORE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR INNER DIALOUGE, YOU MUST5 BE FAMILIAR WITH HOW IT IS. KEEP TRACK OF ALL POSITIVE

THINGS & NEGATIVE THAT YOU SAY THIS MONTH(WEEK) IN REGARD TO T.I.C. AND BRING BOTH LISTS TO CLASS AND DISCUSS

WHAT YOU LEARNED

2. TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF LOVE GOALS. TELL THE CLASS WHAT GOALS YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING ON REGARDING T.I.C. OR PLAN

ON WORKING ON REGARDING INCREASING SELF LOVE

3. TALK ABOUT ONE OF YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES (NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS)

4. RE-WRITE YOUR STORY – GIVE 5 MIN TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE SHIFTING FROM WHAT T.I.C. WAS LIKE TO HOW YOU WILL BE

WHEN YOU HAVE OVERCOME IT.

5. MAKE A LIST OF 10-15 REPARENTING AFFIRMATIONS AND READ THEM TO THE GROUP.

6. TELL THE CLASS WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN ONE YEAR REGARDING T.I.C.

7. BRING ONE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT CAUSES YOU TO FEEL TRIGGERED REGARDING T.I.C. AND DISCUSS HOW TO WORK THROUGH

THE EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK

OVERCOMING THOUGHT BASED TRAUMA INDUCED CODEPENDENCY

While toxic caregivers create trauma induced codependency by causing emotional and/or physical pain when a child is

being authentic – due to the repetition of the reactions and emotional pain, the brain creates an association between

being authentic and danger.

The subconscious learns through repetition plus emotion – narcissists, if nothing else, are REPETITIVE. The emotions of

shame, guilt and/or fear they invoke are felt over and over until they are imprinted in the subconscious mind. Once this

is in the subconscious – you can be free of all toxic people…. But their thoughts will continue to take up real estate in

your mind to the point that your own thoughts will continue to provoke the same shame, guilt and/or fear by means of

the inner critic.

One of the greatest challenges of complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is quieting the inner critic. The critic is

born out of a neglectful and/or abusive home where you did not feel a sense of safe attachment in childhood.

Sometimes, due to this situation, a child will enact a perfectionist mode, thinking that if they can just be good enough,

do the right things well enough, then somehow, they can prove they are worthy and they will strive to earn a parent's

love. But striving after perfection does not create the sense of safety, love and acceptance that the child craves and

deserves and as a result – anxiety grows with each failed attempt at perfection and that’s when the inner critic finds its

voice.

The child begins to search for all the ways s/he is flawed, becoming hyper focused on their shortcomings and hyper

critical of the self, thereby taking on the blame of the parent's lack of healthy love as if it’s the child's fault instead of the

parents. The critic can become even worse when the abusive environment includes constant berating about the

child's stupidity or worthlessness.

Eventually, the child believes emphatically that he or she is inherently faulty, and the parents criticisms become the inner

dialogue that fuels shame, guilt and fear – healing involves developing a compassionate inner dialogue.

WORKING THROUGH THOUGHT BASED T.I.C.

What T.I.C. looks like in the thought patterns of your mind (EXAMPLES):

1. I can’t 21. No one cares about me

2. They’re going to judge me 22. I’ll never have the confidence I need

3. It’s too hard` 23. I’m a bad person if I don’t agree

4. Why bother I never feel respected 24. I’m not good enough to do this

5. They’re going to leave me 25. Unless it’s perfect it’s not good enough

6. I’ve tried this before, nothing works 26. Caring about me is selfish

7. No one else cares about me so why should I 27. It’s disrespectful to disagree

8. I’m so stupid 28. Having boundaries is selfish & rude

9. The last time you tried you failed so stop trying 29. Its bad to think of what I want/need

10. I’m too scared 30. It’s bad to outshine others

11. This is just who I am 31. Something horrible will happen if I don’t

placate

12. They’re going to hate me 32. I’ll never feel safe around people

13. It’s my job to make everyone happy 33. I feel terrified I must be stupid

14. They’re going to be mad and then it’s my fault 34. I should be able to feel normal

15. Everything is always my fault 35. I don’t matter

16. Their perspective is more important than mine 36. I don’t want to feel the pain of rejection

17. What do I know I should shut up 37. Yes I did that but only b/c I had to

18. Who do you think you are…. 38. I’ll never have healthy relationships

19. Keep quiet, don’t make noise don’t take up too much space

20. If I speak up something bad will happen

•All-or-Nothing Thinking; (fantastic or awful)

•Overgeneralizing; (1 exp. Defines future)

•Discounting the Positive; (Acknowledges but rejects)

•Jumping to Conclusions; (I will never…..since I don’t

have it now)

•Mind Reading; (they look mad, they think…)

•Magnification (Catastrophizing) and

Minimizing; (the binocular trick)

•Emotional Reasoning; (I feel it therefore it must be

true) I’m scared… you’re angry

•Should Statements; (I should) Breeds guilt

•Labeling and Mislabeling; (I’m too stupid, a failure)

•Personalization (Taking everything personal,

blaming yourself for

everything)

We Must First Identify the Distortions that show up in our life, in order

to effectively change them. GOAL: Observe Don’t Absorb

_________________________________________

BECOME A CURIOUS OBSERVER OF YOUR INNER DIALOUGE. MOST OF THE

INNER DIALOGUE THAT KEEPS DISEMPOWERING BELIEFS ALIVE, FALL UNDER

THE CONSCIOUS AWARENESS. UNTIL WE BRING THEM INTO OUR

CONSCIOUS AWARENESS WE CANNOT CHANGE THEM

______________________________________________________________________

TALLY:

_________________

SPEND A FEW DAYS LISTENING OBJECTIVELY TO THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD BEFORE FILLING THIS

OUT. WHAT BELIEFS DO THESE THOUGHTS KEEP ALIVE(EX. ON NEXT PAGE)?

_____________________________________________________________________________________

1. Something bad will happen if I am successful

2. No matter how hard I try I am a failure

3. I’m not good enough

4. I’m not loved nor lovable

5. I will be rejected

6. I will be abandoned

7. Fear of greatness/I’m not allowed to shine

8. I don’t deserve/I’m not worthy

9. Others hold me back

10. Other peoples criticisms are true

11. People won’t like me if I make a mistake.

12. Love must be earned.

13. I don’t deserve love and success.

14. My wants and needs should be sacrificed for others.

15. I must be loved and approved of to feel okay.

16. Other people’s opinions carry more weight than mine.

17. I’m only lovable if a partner loves me (or at least needs )

LIST OF COMMON LIMITING BELIEFS

PEOPLE PLEASING

ACTIONS/ LACK OF LRC

AUTOMATIC

THOUGHTS

Cognitive

VALIDATE/CONSIDER

Distortion SOURCE

NORMALIZE

BELIEF

UPDATED THOUGHT

PROCESS

NOT SAYING

NO/BOUNDARIES

SHE’LL BE

ANGRY/ IT’S

DANGEROUS/I’

M BAD

Mind NAR. PARENT, WASN’T

Reading ALLOWED TO HAVE BOUNDARIES

Emotional

Reasoning

I WILL BE

REJECTED

SOMETHING

BAD WILL

HAPPEN

I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE

BOUNDARIES JUST LIKE

EVERYONE ELSE, EVEN IF

OHTERS DON’T LIKE IT

I’M SAFE EVEN IF OTHERS

REJECT ME

Summary:

• Learn to ‘hear’ your inner critic – observe with curiosity

• What cognitive distortions do you most engage in – observe don’t absorb

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

• What old, outdated, limiting beliefs do these thoughts keep alive?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

• What ‘updated’ beliefs do you want?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

• How will your life change for the better with these updated beliefs? Be specific, detailed, use senses:

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE:

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

1. ROLE PLAY (BOUNDARIES)

2. 3 MIN. PUBLIC SPEAKING ABOUT WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS MONTH

3. Q & A – WITH EVERYONE ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ON THIS TOPIC

4. OVERCOME FEAR OF HAVING A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE – INSTRUCTOR WILL ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND PURPOSELY DISAGREE

5. PRACTICE SAYING NO ROLEPLAY

6. FEAR OF CONFLICT – PRACTICE HANDLING CONFLICT – LET INSTRUCTOR KNOW WHAT SITUATION YOU ARE DEALING WITH

AND ROLEPLAY HOW TO HANDLE THEM

7. HANDLING REJECTION IWHTOUT BECOMING UNBALANCED.

8. CRITICISM GAME

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SELF-LOVE, SELF-IDENTITY, SELF-COMPASSION

1. BEFORE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR INNER DIALOUGE, YOU MUST5 BE FAMILIAR WITH HOW IT IS. KEEP TRACK OF ALL POSITIVE

THINGS & NEGATIVE THAT YOU SAY THIS MONTH(WEEK) IN REGARDS TO T.I.C. AND BRING BOTH LISTS TO CLASS AND DISCUSS

WHAT YOU LEARNED

2. TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF LOVE GOALS. TELL THE CLASS WHAT GOALS YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING ON REGARDING T.I.C. OR PLAN

ON WORKING ON REGARDING INCREASING SELF LOVE

3. TALK ABOUT ONE OF YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES (NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS)

4. RE-WRITE YOUR STORY – GIVE 5 MIN TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE SHIFTING FROM WHAT T.I.C. WAS LIKE TO HOW YOU WILL BE

WHEN YOU HAVE OVERCOME IT.

5. MAKE A LIST OF 10-15 REPARENTING AFFIRMATIONS AND READ THEM TO THE GROUP.

6. TELL THE CLASS WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN ONE YEAR REGARDING T.I.C.

7. BRING ONE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT CAUSES YOU TO FEEL TRIGGERED REGARDING T.I.C. AND DISCUSS HOW TO WORK THROUGH

THE EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK

OVERCOMING BODY BASED T.I.C.

CONSCIOUS MIND VS. SUBCONSCOUS MIND

• Dr. Bruce Lipton, an American developmental biologist and former professor of medicine at Stanford University, explained that there are two

separate minds that create what he calls the body’s controlling voice. We have our conscious mind, which can think outside of the box and

create new ideas, thoughts and generate new emotions and feelings. Then we have the subconscious mind, which is a supercomputer loaded

with a database of programmed behaviors, most of which were acquired and hardwired into our minds by the time we reached the age of six.

• The subconscious mind cannot move outside its fixed programs – it automatically reacts to each situation we face with its previously

stored behavior responses AND (here’s the interesting part) it can operate without the knowledge or control of our conscious mind –

which is why we are often completely unaware that we are acting unconsciously.

• Studies from the 1970’s show that our brains begin to prepare for action just over 1/3 of a second before we consciously decide to act. In other

words, when we ‘think’ we are acting consciously, we are actually still being governed by the unconscious mind which is the one making our

decisions for us.

• Scary -true fact – the unconscious mind is running and is on its automatic pilot 95% of the time.

• Neuroscientists have shown that the conscious mind provides 5% or less of our cognitive (conscious) activity – some people only operate at 1%

consciousness

• Scientists have discovered that most of our decisions, actions, thoughts, emotions, behaviors depend on the 95% of brain activity that is beyond

our conscious awareness

• Our subconscious mind is very similar to the furnace in your house!!

• The job of the subconscious mind is to create reality out of its programming, its goal is to prove that its programming is true. So, if we have a

negative programming from our childhood – Dr. Lipton affirms that 95% of the time you will recreate those negative experiences in life, in fact

we will gravitate to situations that help us to reinforce our programming.

LEARNING TO SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

• The subconscious mind is sensory based and knows the world only through the five senses: visual

(seeing), auditory (hearing), kinesthetic (feeling), gustatory (tasting), and olfactory (smelling), with

visual, auditory and kinesthetic being the primary senses.

• Each person will have a primary sense that their subconscious favors and a secondary – it takes coaching

presence and excellent listening and questioning skills to help your clients discover which is the

preferred sense of their subconscious mind

• Another important factor in effective goal setting for the subconscious is that, unlike the conscious mind,

the subconscious thinks literally rather than abstractly. (Ex: I love myself; I am a worthy person, I am

confident) Those statements are mostly abstractions to the subconscious mind and therefore difficult to

internalize except in a general way.

• Abstract statements must be turned into sensory-based language in order for the conscious mind and the

subconscious mind to work together toward goals

• The subconscious mind takes things literally and will stop its efforts toward manifesting your goal as

soon as it things it has satisfied your criteria. If the criteria are too general, the results will usually be

disappointing because the subconscious won’t know what resources to mobilize in order to accomplish

the goal

• Avoid telling the subconscious mind what you DON’T want to happen in your life.

*taken from The Missing Peace In Your Life! Robert M. Williams, M.A.

To quote Joe Dispenza ‘The body is the subconscious mind.’

The way our subconscious beliefs can show up is in our body

sensations. If ‘feeling’ was not safe growing up, this may take some time

to feel comfortable doing – but little by little we want to notice the

sensations that come up in our body and listen to what they are communicating.

For ex. If on a conscious level I want to feel confident around people, but when

around others I may feel a tenseness in my chest, my throat gets tight – this

is all feedback of a limiting belief in my subconscious.

The first step in working through this is to learn to notice the sensations.

(Close your eyes – lets do this together)

Step One: Where in your body do you feel it?

Step Two: What’s the earliest memory you have of feeling this?

(there’s no right/wrong)

Step Three: Reframe – validate –

Step Four: If this emotion could talk – what would it tell you that it needs?

Step Five: How can you fulfill that need right now?

Step Six: Even though……

• Visualization is a simply technique used to create a

mental image of a future event. When we visualize our

desired outcome, we begin to ‘see’ the possibility of

achieving it. Through visualization we give our

subconscious mind a map to our preferred future. When

this happens, we are motivated and prepared to pursue

our goal.

• According to research using brain imagery. Visualization

works because neurons in our brains interpret imagery

the exact same way as they interpret a real-life action.

When we visualize an act, the brain generates an impulse

that tells our neurons to ‘perform’ the movement,

emotion, action, thought, etc. This creates a new neural

pathway that primes us to act in a way consistent to what

we imagined. All of this occurs without actually

performing the physical activity, yet it achieves a similar

result.

Write out what your life will look like when you overcome T.I.C. Use the 8 areas of life and be descriptive & write in the

language of the subconscious mind.

Area of life:

__________________

What it will look like:

___________________________________

Area of life:

__________________

What it will look like:

___________________________________

Area of life:

__________________

What it will look like:

__________________________________

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE:

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY

1. ROLE PLAY (BOUNDARIES)

2. 3 MIN. PUBLIC SPEAKING ABOUT WHAT YOU LEARNED THIS MONTH

3. Q & A – WITH EVERYONE ASKING YOU QUESTIONS ON THIS TOPIC

4. OVERCOME FEAR OF HAVING A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE – INSTRUCTOR WILL ASK YOU QUESTIONS AND PURPOSELY DISAGREE

5. PRACTICE SAYING NO ROLEPLAY

6. FEAR OF CONFLICT – PRACTICE HANDLING CONFLICT – LET INSTRUCTOR KNOW WHAT SITUATION YOU ARE DEALING WITH

AND ROLEPLAY HOW TO HANDLE THEM

7. HANDLING REJECTION IWHTOUT BECOMING UNBALANCED.

8. CRITICISM GAME

EXERCISES THAT HELP WITH SELF-LOVE, SELF-IDENTITY, SELF-COMPASSION

1. BEFORE YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR INNER DIALOUGE, YOU MUST5 BE FAMILIAR WITH HOW IT IS. KEEP TRACK OF ALL POSITIVE

THINGS & NEGATIVE THAT YOU SAY THIS MONTH(WEEK) IN REGARD TO T.I.C. AND BRING BOTH LISTS TO CLASS AND DISCUSS

WHAT YOU LEARNED

2. TALK ABOUT YOUR SELF LOVE GOALS. TELL THE CLASS WHAT GOALS YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING ON REGARDING T.I.C. OR PLAN

ON WORKING ON REGARDING INCREASING SELF LOVE

3. TALK ABOUT ONE OF YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL QUALITIES (NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS)

4. RE-WRITE YOUR STORY – GIVE 5 MIN TALK ABOUT YOUR LIFE SHIFTING FROM WHAT T.I.C. WAS LIKE TO HOW YOU WILL BE

WHEN YOU HAVE OVERCOME IT.

5. MAKE A LIST OF 10-15 REPARENTING AFFIRMATIONS AND READ THEM TO THE GROUP.

6. TELL THE CLASS WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN ONE YEAR REGARDING T.I.C.

7. BRING ONE CIRCUMSTANCE THAT CAUSES YOU TO FEEL TRIGGERED REGARDING T.I.C. AND DISCUSS HOW TO WORK THROUGH

THE EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK

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