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Stop Abandonment and Rejection in a

Relationship

THAIS GIBSON

Exercise 1: Personal BTEA Equation

Purpose:

To make conscious what our own personal (B)eliefs (T)houghts

(E)motions (A)ctions are when triggered. By uncovering these we can than work to

reprogram any limiting beliefs and behaviors.

Discovery:

In the chart on the following page, write out your BTEA patterns that you

tend to follow when triggered. What are your negative emotional patterns? Note

that you can refer to list in the

Additional Materials

section.

What are the thought patterns that accompany these emotional patterns? What

core beliefs are they related to (refer to the

Additional Materials

for a list of Negative

Core Beliefs)? What coping mechanisms do you turn to when you’re triggered? (ex.

Binge eating)

Examples of

Triggering

Events:

Beliefs

(Ex. I am alone)

Thoughts

(Nobody cares

about me)

Emotions

(Sadness,

Hurt, Fear)

Actions

(Behaviors to

Cope)

Integration:

By making these areas conscious in the BTEA equation we will now

be able to work towards reprogramming and repatterning these limitations in the

next few exercises.

Exercise 2: Belief Re-Programming Rituals with Autosuggestion

Purpose:

Autosuggestion reprograms the subconscious in the quickest and most

impactful way. The more emotion you can elicit in the body through this exercise the

better the result. Through repetition plus emotion you are firing and wiring new

neural circuitry!

Discovery:

Step One:

For the primary core subconscious belief that is causing

thought,

emotional and behavioral limitations,

it is time to recondition your RAS’s focus and

use the principle of subconscious reprogramming (

repetition + emotion

) to

equilibrate this painful belief.

Example: Belief #1:

“

I am not doing/being enough”

à This is a major source of

chronic fatigue and exhausts your nervous system and adrenals. The level of cortisol

and adrenaline that these thought patterns will produce will exhaust you over time.

This is your root cause.

Reprogramming ritual: “I am doing enough” (This requires consistent repetition +

emotion to recondition).

Find 10-15 pieces of evidence for where/why/how you are doing enough.

Try to find 1-

3 examples and check in with each of the 7 areas of life. (Career, Financial, Family,

Spiritual, Mental/Emotional, Physical, Social)

Important: Try to

feel the emotion in your body

(anchoring into nervous system)

when thinking of your response.

This Requires:

Intentionality, Patience, Commitment.

Impact: Re-Programming the root level of a painful paradigm that has a massive

long-term cost.

The Seven Areas of Life

Prompter Questions: (check in 7 areas of life)

I showed up well today when

I was effective today when

I did enough today because

Relationships

Mental

Emotional

Physical

Spiritual

Financial

Career

I shouldn’t feel guilty because

I am enough because

Examples of how I did more than enough for others

Examples of how I committed to myself

I excelled today at

Integration:

Stick to this over the course of 21 days because you will see major

changes. By day 6 or 7 your internal dialogue should start changing. By day 14 you

might notice your behaviors are changing and by day 21 we tend to create whole

new paradigms of programming that will start to work on behalf of themselves.

Exercise 3: Thought Upgrading & Emotional Processing

Purpose:

The goal of this exercise is to question the stories you tell when you notice

hypervigilance arise and give it meaning. You can then go on to recognize, and

strategize to meet, your needs. By practicing this daily, it will become a process that

begins to happen in under 10s in real time.

Discovery:

1. Think of what feels unresolved today regarding any person, conversation or

situation. Write you’re your stressful thoughts or beliefs (see core beliefs below if

needed). (ISOLATE THE PROBLEM)

2. What did you believe about the person, or event because of what happened?

(What meaning did you give to it)? (

thoughts)

(Ex. I will lose my job and be on the

street, my wife will leave me etc.)

3. Can you know with certainty that this is true?

4. Can you find three pieces of proof that oppose this original interpretation? Could

there be less painful interpretations to this situation that are as true as your

assumption, if not

true?

Try to update your thinking if the core wound or

thoughts are in fact, untrue or one-sided.

5. What is your

need

in this situation to create relief?

6. What is a healthy

strategy

to get this need met?

Integration:

Through noticing the stories we are telling ourselves, questioning

them, trying to find proof of otherwise we can create new neural circuits to elicit an

opposing emotional response. By practicing this daily, it will become a process that

you can start to use in real time when you start to feel negative emotions.

Exercise 4: Action Re-Programming Exercise

Purpose:

To identify and reprogram auto-pilot behaviors through consciously

choosing positive actions and strategies to get the same need met.

Discovery:

For the chart below, write the autopilot coping mechanisms you use

when your emotional state is not optimized. Write what subconscious needs are

being met through these actions, then update them in the next column. Stick to this

repeated update for 21 days to re-program the unconscious coping mechanisms

that are no longer serving you!

Autopilot Coping Mechanism/Behavior

(Ex. Binge-watching Netflix)

Updated Action or Strategy to Meet the

Same Needs

(Ex. Meditating for Comfort and Peace)

Integration:

When you are in a negative emotional state and catch

yourself engaging in undesirable auto-pilot behaviors for relief, go to your chart and

use the new/updated strategy that will meet your needs in a positive way. This

will become your default strategy after 21 days.

Anxious Attachment Best Practices & Interactions

Exercise 5: Self-Soothing: A Step-by-Step Guide to Meeting Your Own Needs!

Purpose:

The purpose of this exercise is to start getting into touch with your feelings

and needs. This is the way out of codependency in a relationship.

Discovery:

1. Refer to the Major Emotions and Their Opposites list in the Additional Lists,

Materials and References Section at the back of the workbook and write down the

patterns of negative emotions you feel most often. What situations spur these

emotions for you?

(Ex. I often feel stressed when I’m rushing… I often feel angry

when I am interrupted etc.)

I often feel:

when I’m:

2. What do you need in order to feel better in this situation?

Refer to your tertiary

needs list midway down page ten (10). You can choose multiple needs.

I need:

3. What is your strategy to get this need met?

(Ex. I could ask for help, speak up etc.)

I could get this need met by:

4. How can I meet this need MYSELF?

(Ex. I need to feel connected à I can write a

list of reasons I’m safe. I can go home and meditate. I can put my phone away and

journal/self-connect etc.)

I can meet this need myself by (insert strategies):

Integration

: We must learn to meet our own needs to develop healthy

interdependence in a relationship. Using the strategies you’ve created practice

attempting to meet your own needs before you go to someone else.

Exercise 6: Healthy Habits & Questions for Self-Connection

Purpose:

The Anxious Preoccupied tends to almost always be outwardly focused and

not know what they truly want, or need, to be happy. It’s important to take time to

connect to ourselves by getting to know who we are, our personality needs, our

subconscious needs as a whole and what matters most to us.

Discovery:

1. Create at least twenty minutes for YOU once daily.

I recommend in the morning or

evening.

2. Choose 3-5 self-connection questions from the list below to answer each evening.

To love and connect to yourself (and thus self-soothe properly), you must get to

know yourself first.

This list can be re-used frequently.

Self-Reflection Questions (can be done in AM or PM)

Choose 3-5 of the many questions on the following page to self-reflect on a regular

basis. Building relationship to self is one of the most important things we can do for

success in the categories of clarity, healthy relationships, career and financial success

and joy.

1. What needs in my life are unmet lately?

2. How can I meet these needs more effectively?

3. If I could use one word to describe the person I’d want to be today it would be…

4. The best way I can deal with a stressful situation today is….

5. What’s one action I can take today that will create extra value in my life?

6. What do I want to be intentional about today?

7. I will feel successful today if I do these things…

8. If I was my own personal development consultant today, I would tell myself to

remember that…

9. Today I realized or learned that…

10. I could make today even better by…

11. Something I can appreciate about today is…

12. Who am I really?

13. What am I afraid of? How can I change this?

14. Am I holding onto something that I need to let go of?

15. What matters most in my life? Am I showing up for myself in this area?

16. What have I given up on that I want to take back?

17. When did I last push myself beyond my comfort zone? What helps me to do this?

18. What do I need to change about myself?

19. Am I using my time wisely?

20. Am I taking anything for granted?

21. Am I employing a healthy perspective?

22. Am I living true to myself?

23. Am I taking care of myself?

24. Are my mental processes effective in helping me be successful and joyful? What

could I do better?

25. What negative patterns have been showing up for me lately? What are they showing

me about myself?

26. What area of my life currently feels least empowered? What patterns lead me there?

27. Where am I creating unnecessary stress for myself? What strategy can I use to

change this?

28. What do I need to be learning more about?

29. Am I actively listening to others?

30. Who am I being unfair to in my life right now? How could I show up more effectively?

31. What am I avoiding in my life right now? What does this cost me?

32. How can I be kinder to myself?

33. Where am I repressing emotion?

34. Am I clearly communicating my feelings and needs to others? How can I improve

this?

35. Am I taking things too personally?

36. Am I creating joy for myself intentionally?

37. Am I in charge of my emotional state? How can I improve this even more?

38. Where do I feel stuck? What do I need to learn in order to get unstuck?

39. What is triggering me in my closest relationships? Can I create change here?

40. What emotions am I feeling on a regular basis and why?

41. What is one thing I need to express more to other people in my life?

42. What is something I want to give myself permission to do more often?

43. Where do I abandon myself?

44. How can I set better boundaries? Show up better for my boundaries?

45. Where do I put too much pressure on myself? Why?

46. What expectations do I place on others unfairly?

47. What expectations do I have of myself that are too intense?

48. Where can I set better standards for myself in my life?

49. How can I have better balance across the 7 areas of my life?

50. Am I taking myself into consideration when I make choices?

Integration:

While getting to know yourself better you will begin to love and connect

to yourself (and thus self-soothe properly). You’ll come to understand what you need

to create change in many areas of your life. As you go through the questions use

your answers as feedback to better understand who you are as a person and what

you need to be happy.

Exercise 7: Becoming Aware of Self-Abandonment

Purpose:

The purpose of this exercise is to identify the areas where you might be

subconsciously self-abandoning your needs in the 7 areas of life. We will follow this

up with creating new strategies to stop this cycle.

Discovery:

1. Refer to the Seven (7) Areas of Life. Write down a list of ways you abandon yourself

by ignoring your needs, people-pleasing, valuing approval over your truth or over-

giving to keep yourself safe.

Career

Financial

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Relationship

Write a list of strategies to create change in each of these areas.

Integration:

Use the strategies you have come up with to avoid chaos from

occurring in the 7 areas of life. If we do not put conscious effort into empowering

these areas we will end up having to spend more time fixing the areas we’ve

neglected.

Exercise 8: Conflict Communication: Feelings & Needs Exercise

Purpose:

When we go to communicate our feelings and needs to a partner a lot of

the time, especially if we don’t have a specifically tailored approach, we might go to

express ourselves and trigger the other person without meaning to. We need to

effectively approach conflict to get our feelings understood, our needs met and to

make sure we are breaking down obstacles that are standing between ourselves

and our partners.

Discovery:

Start by validating the other person’s emotions or stepping around their potential

core wounds.

Example: I really appreciate you and am not criticizing you in any way but want to

share something I felt so I don’t internalize it….

1. Feelings:

When this situation happened, I interpreted it in my reality as me being:

(insert

emotion/experience – ex. “being abandoned”

2. Needs:

I needed this person to:

(BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE). If the need is validation: what kind of validation? If

it’s for support: What TYPE of support? (Ex. A hug, for someone to compliment your

hard work etc.)

3. Paint the picture of how this need can get met.

(Ex. I would love a hug each night before bed.)

Expression:

Step One:

Notice their emotion and/or concern validate it

first

(establishes

connection)

Ex. I can see that you feel unnoticed and invalidated.

Step Two:

Look for their sponsoring intention or need. Confirm your understanding.

Ex. Would you feel better if I gave you more encouragement and recognition?

Step Three:

Request to be heard and understood also.

Ex. Great. Are you open to hearing my perspective for a moment?

Step Four:

Share your feelings (the emotion specifically) and needs (as clearly as

possible).

Ex. I felt disregarded when you didn’t use any of the points I made for the

presentation. I really need you to consider including my input more in the future.

Ex. I felt undervalued when I did that extra work and it went unrecognized. I

appreciate credit and positive re-enforcement, as it inspires me to keep growing and

putting in extra effort.

Step Five:

Ask if they can see your perspective. (Requesting validation of

understanding)

Ex: “Can you see how I could interpret your actions as _____________?”

Step Six:

Initiate collective strategizing using language such as “together,” “collective

solution,” “open to compromise.”

Ex. “I think we understand each other’s perspectives, now let’s look at coming up

with a collective decision that encompasses both of our needs.”

Part 2: Understanding Over Conflict

1. Stepping out of your story: According to the other person and

their perspective,

why SHOULD they have done what they did? List 5 Reasons. *We forgive

ourselves.

2. What were the benefits of this situation playing out the way that it did? (How did

you learn, grow, change, let go of what no longer serves etc.)

Integration:

Use these steps for proper conflict communication that will lead to

resolution.

Additional Materials, Lists and References

List of Negative CORE Beliefs

I am not enough

I am abandoned/alone

I am unloved

I am bad

I am weak

I am unsafe

I am stupid

I am unworthy

I am helpless

I am unseen/unheard

I don’t

matter/unimportant

Something’s wrong w/

I don’t belong

I am disliked

I am unsafe

I am disconnected

I am excluded

I am disrespected

I am rejected

I am trapped/stuck

I am powerless/no control

Important Needs for Anxious Attachment Transformation

Needs:

Career

Mental

Emotional

Spiritual

Physical

Financial

Relational

Connection

Self-

Reflection,

spend time

alone

Emotional

Processing

Belief in

something

greater

Exercise or

energy

exertion

Goals

Strong romantic

connection

Emotional

Support

Collective

Learning

Emotional

Expression,

Keep

identity

Mindfulness

Group

Activities

Tracking

Validation,

reinforcement

Community

Re-

programming

Setting

boundaries,

self-trust

Meditation**

Self-care

with body

(rituals)

with

another(s)

Communication or

expression

Human

Interaction

Learning and

Stimulation

Using

emotions

feedback

vs. reacting

Healthy

habits

including

people

Relationship

to body

(kindness)

A “why”

related to

love

Boundaries,

Maintain Identity

Major Emotions and Their Opposites

Abandoned

– Adopted, Cherished, Defended

Afraid

– Brave, Calm, Composed, Fearless

Alone

– Together

Annoyed

– Gratified, Pleased

Anxious

– Brave, Calm, Collected

Ashamed

– Calm, Confident, Happy, Joyful

Betrayed

– Assisted, Helped, Loyal, Faithful

Blamed

– Approval, Praise

Bored

– Energized, Refreshed

Burdened

– Unloaded

Cheated

– Faithful, Fair

Concerned

– Calm, Collected, Composed

Confused

– Clear, Composed, Organized

Crazy

– Balanced, Calm, Collected, Sane

Heaviness

– Thinness, Light

Despair

– Hope, Joy

Devastated

– Create, Construct, Guarded, Protected

Disappointed

– Calm, Cheerful, Comforted,

Encouraged

Disgusted

– Attracted, Delighted, Pleased

Doubt

– Belief, Calm, Clarity, Certainty, Confidence

Helpless

– Able, Capable, Fit, Powerful

Embarrassed

– Composed

Empty

– full

Exhausted

– Able, Active, Energized, Strong

Guilty

– Innocent, Right, Moral, Good

Impatient

– Easygoing, Controlled, Patient, Tolerant

Inadequate

– Able, Abundant, Capable, Enough

Insecure

– At Ease, Calm, Collected, Composed

Horrified

– Brave, Calm, Fearless

Hurt

– Happy, Pleased

Lazy

– Active, Careful, Attentive, Energetic

Lethargic

– Alert, Active, Animated, Lively

Lonely

– Populated, Close, Loved, Sociable

Uncertain

– Sure, Confident, Predictable

Lost

– Seen, Alive, Attentive, Aware

Offended

– Flattered, Praised, Complimented

Outraged

– Calm, Relaxed, Happy

Pressured

– Free, Left Alone, At Ease

Punished

– Cleared, Released, Exonerated

Trapped

– Free

Rage

– Calm, Love, Peace, Indifference

Rebellious

– Happy, Obedient, Compliant

Regret

– Comfort, Content, Delight, Joy

Rejected

– Cherished

Resentment

– Delight, Happy, Connected, Free

Sadness

– Cheer, Happiness, Joy

Scared -

Bold, Brave, Cool, Courageous

Self

Conscious

– Calm, Comfortable, Confident,

Easy

Shame

– Pride, Approval, Esteem, Honor,

Respect

Silly

– Intelligent, Mature

Suffering

– Ease, Calm, Relief, Joy

Worried

– Calm, Comforted, Happy, Relaxed

Wary

– Certain, Careless

List of Tertiary Needs

Connection Needs

Acceptance

Affection

Appreciation

Belonging

Cooperation

Communication

Closeness

Community

Companionship

Compassion

Consideration

Consistency

Empathy

Inclusion

Intimacy

Love

Mutuality

Nurturing

Respect/self-respect

Autonomy Needs

Choice

Freedom

Independence

Space/Boundaries

Spontaneity

Exploration

Certainty Needs

Safety

Comfort

Security

Order

Stability

Support

To know and be known

To see and be seen

To be understood

Trust

Warmth

Physical Needs

Food

Movement/exercise

Rest/sleep

Sexual expression

Safety

Touch

Peaceful Needs

Beauty

Ease

Equality

Harmony

Inspiration

Growth Needs

Self-Development

Self-Realization

Success

Progress

Achievement

Opportunity

Expansiveness

Learning

Awareness

Challenge

Stimulation

Honesty Needs

Authenticity

integrity

Presence

Play Needs

Joy

Humor

Contribution Needs

To give/nurture

To share

To create

To teach/to assist

MEANING

Clarity

Competence

Consciousness

Discovery

Effectiveness

Hope

Mourning

Participation

Purpose

Attention

Validation

Self-expression

To matter

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